Dropping the blame game - is it worth it? Here's what happened when I did... by Jennifer Lohr

     I've moved beyond a troubled past - surviving abuse, rape, a traumatic car accident, homelessness in my early 20's, years of unhealthy relationships, poor self esteem, low confidence, mothering special needs children, my own pent up anger, and anxiety & depression. A pivotal moment in my life was when I stood on the edge of a breakdown and realized it was crucial I make a change - ME altering every aspect about who I was deep down when, up until that point, most of my life was experienced in a state of re-action.  A popular term I've heard for this type of event is "hitting rock-bottom," but for me it went beyond that. After lifting myself up and dusting off I had to take action. I decided to make necessary changes so I didn't keep slipping into those destructive and self-defeating patterns all over again.

I took a long and hard look in the mirror at my mindset, choices, and coping strategies.

     The most difficult aspect of making such cognitive and behavioral changes was that I now had to assume complete and absolute responsibility for every choice I made. It didn't make me responsible for how others chose to interact with or treat me, but it made me own 100% of my choices and the consequences. I could no longer believe that “if someone hadn’t done ____ to me, treated me ______, said to / acted towards me_____ than my life wouldn’t be this way,” ...and I'll let you in on a little secret: it took an enormous amount of self-discipline. Every act I found issue with became my responsibility to address within myself. I could no longer assign blame to another for my feelings or hurts. Again: that didn’t mean the weight of the world or another’s behavior were now mine to own.  Instead, my inner-peace is determined and maintained by me. 

     This suggested I be so proactive that I no longer react from any thought process outside of my own being. If I’m going to accuse or demand change from anyone at all, it will be from myself only and I will leave everyone else to digest their own lives. No matter how much I want someone to change that will never be within my control; and no amount of assumptions, anticipation, hope, or wishes will make it (or them) so. Their actions belong to them, not me and likewise: I alone am responsible for mine.
     There was no more: “You’re making me angry!” and no longer: “Everything that can has gone wrong this morning, so now I’m in the shittiest mood.”  Even if I'm growing impatient with someone: that’s cool (well actually, no it’s not – I can accept when it's completely irritating) but how I decide to react to them is no longer their issue, but mine.  Now I'll be honest - it took a lot of practice but, eventually, I noticed the many undesirable feelings and various levels of discomfort began to fall away and each in their own time. So much of my own dissatisfaction deposited into a void of useless behaviors which no longer served me.
     This choice has released so many frustrations. No longer do I allow myself to feel offended or insulted because those (and similar) responses to things outside of myself ceased to affect me, and the more I taught myself and learned this behavior I gradually noticed an immense sense of freedom. Accepting life as it is, what I was truly responsible for, and without feeling so much was out of my control is really liberating. So this is what happened when I dropped the blame-game and decided to live a proactive life... and yes: it was totally worth it.

     

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